Monty Python Cup

See Prices & Bookings

philosophers versus twits

 Monty Python Annual Family Soccer Challenge every May at  Fawkner Park

Philosophers versus Twits


Newsflash on The Monty Python Soccer Match played at Fawkner Park on Sunday  20 May 2012

 “What a climactic final. The crowds roaring with the sides tied at three goals each when a one-minute time-on was announced. As the last ten seconds were counted down, the hairy Twits Captain, Daniel Francis, scored! Final score Twits 4 goals vs the Philosophers 3 goals.
How different it could have been!! If only Eve had not lost her side a penalty point by surreptitiously moving her goal ‘posts’ closer together. (Shame Eve!)  If only five-year-old Hannah had not been in the goal square to deflect that goal. Such are the fortunes of war. There was a weeping and gnashing of moustaches but fortunately, there were plenty of knotted handkerchiefs to wipe the tears away. 


2012 was the third year of the sensational Monty Python Annual Soccer Match. Last year it was played at the Port Melbourne Trugo Club with a narrow victory by the Twits (I think). Don’t miss next year’s re-match or ‘REVENGE OF THE TWITS’.

What the opinion makers say:
‘Greatest sporting spectacle in the southern hemisphere of the brain…….”

Bruce McAveny, the Age.
‘Another pointless Labor Lesbian Aboriginal Left Wing Carbon Taxing Rort…….’
Andre Bolt, Herald Sun.
‘Greatest collection of twits outside the Liberal Party.... ‘
Tony Abbot

Be very afraid! Philosophers Joe and Eve: “We eat twits for breakfast!”

 Prizes will be awarded by the judges

  • Winning Team
  • BOOF Prize – Best Outstanding Overall Family (assessed by  athleticism, attitude, action and accessories)
  • BOP Prize (Best Overall Player)
  • BIF Prize (Best Injury Faking)
  • BUF Prize (Best Under 5 )
  • BUT Prize (Best Under 12)
  • BUTH  Prize (Best Under Thirty)
  • BOB Prize (Best Old Bugger)
  • MPP Prize (Most Philosophical Player)
  • WDF Prize (Worst Dressed Family


The Inaugural Monty Python Cup took place on Saturday 15th May 2010 in Fawkner Park. The Philosophers and Twits are well known to Monty Python fans but this was the first time in history that Philosophers had played against Twits. The match due to start at 2.00pm began promptly at 2.45. Eve allocated the teams and uniforms. Twits were resplendent in the traditional handkerchief on their heads with four knotted corners. Philosophers played with diplomas tied to them with bright red ribbon, they also wore stick-on moustaches, goatees and sideburns.
Umpire Nick, sporting magnificent stick-on sideburns blew his new silver whistle from the $2 shop and explained the rules namely ‘I do whatever I feel l like’
The Philosophers seized the initiative in the first half driving down the flanks with Max on the right and Daniel on the left ably supported in the midfield by Mark, Joe, and Ruth with Margaret and Sidney bringing up the rear.
       Twit goalie Jonno ably deflected innumerable balls. So many balls missed that Jonno introduced the IYKIOYCBWGIYR rule (If you kick it out you can bloody well get it yourself). This led to Max and Joe disappearing for long periods on the horizon. However Philosopher Max (13) was unstoppable kicking two goals within ten minutes. Jubilation amongst the Philosophers! Janet of the Twits unsuccessfully lodged a formal protest that no one under 15 should be allowed to play.

          Now the Twits realised defeat was staring them in the face and  launched a spirited counter attack with David ‘Griffo’ and Meyer kicking from the back to midfielders Janet, Julie and Julia who pressed it forward to striker Fay Ginsberg who kicked a stunning goal which was vacant while the Philosopher goalie Amanda had left to fetch her dog.  The Twits were jubilant. The no–touch rule was invoked when Meyer lifted up Fay several times shouting Ginsberg! Ginsberg! Ginsberg!

             Now the game really heated up as both sides realised the next goal was decisive. Passerbys watched curiously but soon moved on, not understanding the rules or concerned that players might be dangerous. A howl of protest was raised by the Twits when it was discovered umpire Nick was actually playing for the Philosophers. He resigned the position to Neal and then played on the back line for the Twits. Neal stated his only rule was ‘I love power’.
The Twits pressed forward desperately with the war cry ‘One More Goal! Twits Janet, Julia and Fay engaged in a titanic midfield tussle with Philosophers Sidney, Joe, Ruth and Margaret. Meyer moved forward and balls rained into the goal but Philosopher goalie Amanda deflected three balls in a row shouting ‘Back off Eidelson!’ to her beloved partner. The first injury occurred as Jonno went into cramp but he was ably assisted with unconditional positive regard by three social workers, one psychiatrist, one psycho dramatist and a complementary therapist all playing on the field.

                 Oma, Catherine and Sam  (14) arrived on the field after getting lost on a Burke and Wills trek in the park leading to a bidding war for Sam’s services as a famous soccer player. He generously agreed to play for both sides.
However exhaustion set in and a short break was called for food, libation and cake. However this proved so popular that the match never resumed. The final score: Philosophers 2, Twits 1.

Prizes  awarded
BOOF Prize – Best Outstanding Overall Family – Griffiths
BUT Prize (Best Underachieving Teenager) – Max (under protest from Janet again demanding exclusion of all teenagers)
BIF Prize (Best Injury Faking) – Daniel
BUF Prize (Best Under 5) Charlie (only under five present)
BIP Prize (Best Immature Player) – Eve
BOB Prize (Best Old Bugger) – highly contested but went to Jonno
IWHT Prize (I Was Hardly There) – Henry
WDF Prize (Worst Dressed Family)- David single-handedly won this for his family

   Players were interviewed about their strategies. Twits player Fay said: I’m happy; I kicked a goal in the only soccer match I’ve ever played. Philosopher player Margaret commented: What happened?  What team was I on? Which direction was I kicking?
Meyer declared The Philosophers as the inaugural winners of the Monty Python Cup.

Nick declared the Monty Python Cup to be an annual event.
The philosophers’ diplomas will all be burned to create the Monty Python Ashes which will be recontested next May when 2011 becomes the year of ‘Revenge of the Twits!’

See Prices & Bookings